part 3 of 3
start this effin review awf with this music
Have you ever wondered what happens when you die? Have you ever brahntemplated teh lyfe and thought to yourself that maybe there is more out there? Something LRGer than lyfe? Ever bang two chicks at the same time in a hotey while in a bathtub full of molecule? I have done all of these. And I have seen things on boscos terr that could shake a moeron to his core. But what i saw outside the house of blues was something I never thought I would evaahhhh witness. Many cops and innocent people laid dead after the bloodbath that took place that night. And as I looked at the firey destruction before me I knew I had faced what could be my final battle. Who was this RAGEMASTER 5000? Man? Machine? A bit of both (Allen Aucion)??? I gathered my crew: Pierre, Julia, Andrea, Spun, his new chick Queen of the World, and my asian pear...Resrey. We huddled around the car and I said to them "Brahs, Brahmigas...this is MY fight. You shouldn't go to bridgeport. You should stay in hiding. This thing...whatever it is...is NOTHING to EFF with! It is looking for ME and I couldn't bear to..." Then a gigantic roar came from down the alley way. "AAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" A gigantic gust of wind and dust kicked up and a storm came towards us. Next thing i know I was picked up with a gigantic claw and was carried away, the dust cleared and i looked on what i was riding.."Did someone say bear?" as Robbie looked at me and smiled. He was flanked on either side by Lai and Shelby (who were full grown and effin huge now). "We are taking you to our cave and we will wait for Bridgeport my eternal brahhhhh!!!" And we rode til dawn, up into the mountains, to the cave. There I trained day and night. We smoked deemz, we smoked hubbaz, we rolled our goDAMN titties awf, and we harnessed all the power of the rage. We also learned karate...well braharate really. Its like karate but you use glowsticks instead of numchucks. Anyways...we hid in seclusion...until the day almost arrived...Bridgeport. lets get this review awf wit da shickness!!!
stop the music. now dance. now stop dancing. now continue reading...
It was the morning of the show. I jumped on Robbie the Bears back and we headed out. "I hear Bridgeport is BEAUTIFUL this time of year!" says Robbie. "Well how far is it? I mean...where are we anyway?" I asked. Robbie pulled out a map, "Wellll...macrocosmically speaking...our cave is in Vermont. So we will cut across Massachusetts and into Connecticut. I know the way." We roll up and down the hills until we come across a gorgeous valley somewhere in Mass. There was this amazing crystal blue lake and lucious plants and trees. "This is weird" said Robbie, "I dont remember evah seeing this." We walked down and decided to take a pinky dip in the water. "Its so nice and warm, can we go in dad?" asked Lai. "I dont see why not? lets do it!!" Robbie said. So we all jump in. I am swimming around and splashing water on the bears when i look down and notice something AB-SO-LUTE-LY nutsac! my tourmaline crystal wrap Diana gave me back in the dizzay were glowing like mad and my whole wrap was shaking. The intensity of the light was too much for this custie to handle and i took it off and threw it into the lake.
take off your pants. good. now start this music and continue reading
a whirlwind of water shot up into the sky and our jaws dropped to the seafloor. Then we swam back to shore as these shuper shick waves (a la 9/1/01) came crashing down. We ran up to ground and turned around and saw a robed man...with a pointy hat...it was...some kind of Wizard? He flew over to us and landed before us. "With whom requested the presence of..TEH WIZARD yo?" I looked at the bears. Jesus H. this was messed up! "I uhhh was the brah wearing the wrap dude." "Well delightful! Then you are my new owner! With what can I do for you? I have many magic powers! I can turn rocks into FROGS!! and frogs into ROCKS!" said the Wizard. "Can you turn that rock into Tom Hamilton (no homo)???" i asked. "Unfortunately no...I uhh..mostly can just do simple stuff...like...frogs and such." Teh Wizard said and looked down embarrassed, "FML". "Dude, dont sweat it! We are happy to have you join us. Can you fly us to bridgeport?" I asked. "Oh! Bridgeport! So beautiful this time of year! yes! yes sir! INDEED!" he exclaimed and next thing i know...yep...im flying...again...SHICK!
stop the music. don't look at me like that. now click on this continue reading
We get to the show and hit up lot. home shweet home. All of the training in the cave would now come into play. We all separated and scored everything we could get our hands (paws) on. Teh Wizard stayed close to me. We got shwilly in the lot on tasty brews and balloons. "This is indeed much fun sir!" he said. I could tell he was getting EFFED UP! SHICK! We all met up by a car and started popping, dropping, puffing, stuffing, huffing, snorting, snorkeling, pilfering, boofing, shooting, smoking, toking, soaking, railing, inhaling, blasting, pounding, licking, dipping and sipping. We also took some drugs. zing! The rage was DEEP within. I was prepared to face this robotic killing machine. Or so I thought. We get into the venue. lights go down. boys come on.
First set was str8 fiyah. Confrotation > Orch Theme > Confrotation > Buddah > Low > Commercial Amen > November Rain!!! AHHHH!! We raged Magside. Teh Wizard was shooo faded but was loving every second. "This is indeed the sickest show I have seen in quite some time kind sir! QUITE SOME TIME INDEED!!" Then he started making out with this chick. Then he turned her into a frog. Then he kissed the frog and she turned back to a wookette. Then he banged her in the womens room! SHICKLESTEIN!! Robbie and the bears were throwin it DOWN! just like ol times back at camp. I couldnt help but constantly look around for Ragemaster5000. I knew it was only a matter of time. Why me? What did I effin do to upset a LRG robot? I enjoyed the set as best I could. I yelled at Babar alot and threw my beers on peoples heads, and just RAGED MY FACE AWF!!! Then setbreak. WOO!!!
thats when it happened.
stop the previous music. just do it....ass. now start this music. and lets finish this shit.
The sky outside was RED. I lit a butt. then a laser beam shot from the sky and knocked it out of my mouth. "uh oh" i said. Everyone ran away. I stayed in front of the pillars at the Klein and looked up. Teh Wizard and bears were by my side. A brightly lit robot with nitrous tanks as legs, and covered head to toe in glowsticks, with LED lights as eyes crash landed in the street in front of us. "ABOVETHEDAVE!!! I COME TO YOU FOR ONE REASON. I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU AND CLAIM THE SPOT AS THE TOP RAGER OF THE BISCUITS FOR ALL ETERNITY. I HAVE TRAINED FOR YEARS TO BE THE GREATEST THING THIS SCENE HAS EVER WITNESSED. MY TIME IS RAPIDLY APPROACHING! I AM SMARTER, QUICKER, AND I CAN SHRED SHOOO MUCH HARDER ON THE GUITAR THAN YOU!!! FEEL MY WRATH!!!" Then the robot shot up a whole bunch of cars and then busted into a ridonkulous dance routine that was far more complex and artistic than any performance i have evahh given at any biscuit show evah. This guy...er...thing...was GOOD. then it started shooting glowsticks out of its hands and had a ONE MAN GLOWSTICK WAR. It was literally shooting them miles into the sky and catching hundreds at a time at lightning speed. "I AM BEYOND ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVAH WITNESSED ATDAVE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST KYS!!! I called upon Teh Wizard. "Uh yes ssssssir!" (he was SHWILLED!) I looked him in the eyes and screamed "WIZARD! YOU MUST HELP ME! I CANT TAKE THIS ROBOT! WE WILL ALL DIE TODAY UNLESS...UNLESS YOU CAN DESTROY THAT ROBOTIC ARMOR! THEN WE CAN SEE WHO THIS PUNK BITCH IS! YOU CAN DO IT WIZARD I KNOW YOU CAN!!!" "Oh sir! with with..what..i dont know...i guess i could try." Wizard said. "YOU GOT THIS MANG! JUST WAVE THAT STAFF AND REMOVE THAT ROBOTS PARTS!!! I yelled. Teh Wizard stumbled up to the robot as it was just killing it on the dancefloor (street). Teh Wizard lifted his staff and waved it around and next thing ya know..the robot was paralyzed! Then his arm turned into a frog. Then his other arm! then his legs! It dropped to the floor. Then Its head turned to a frog! "WIZARD! STOP IT! I GOT IT FROM HERE!!" I screamed and we all rolled up to the robot. "Not so tough now huh? HAHAHA! AND FOR THE RECORD HOMEBOY! NOBODY CAN SHRED GUITAR LIKE ATD!!!" i said. Then a noise started coming from inside the robots body. It was something inside trying to get out. It was getting louder and louder. We all backed up and stayed clear. Then something busted out of the body and when the smoke cleared our jaws dropped and we saw...THIS.
"Now THAT be a WIZARD YO!!!" said Teh Wizard and we all picked our jaws up from the ground and then started laughing. "No need to destoy me bud. You officially rage the biscuits harder than I. We are all shuper humbled by your awesomeness brahmigo!!!" I said to him, "Whats your name little guy?" He looked up, pulled out a Flintstones multi-vitamin, boofed it, then said, "JARED...now lets go rage 2nd set."
And we did. The end.
ATD
04/19/09 The Klein Memorial Auditorium, Bridgeport, CT
Set I: Confrontation> Lunar Pursuit> Confrontation, M.E.M.P.H.I.S.> Tricycle> Liquid Handcuffs> We're Not Gonna Take It1
Set II: Jigsaw Earth> Reactor2> Jigsaw Earth, Uber Glue, Mr. Don3> Story Of The World3> I-Man
Encore: Astronomy Domine
1 ending only
2 inverted
3 unfinished
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