Part 2 of 3 (continued from The Calvin 1/17/09. this is now a THREE part story ending in Bridgeport!!)
Lyfe on the road is like lyfe on terr...cause...uhhh...you are on the road (minus teh boscos). Spun and I were criminals on the run looking to stay outta sight from the piglets. Truth was, only Spun was brahrrested, I was just along for the ride cause he was the best godamn wingmang I have evah seen. For weeks me and him would travel around until we were tired. Then we would roll up into some small town and hit up the local watering hole with one thing in my mind: Ketamine...no wait...shacking up wit some ladies...thats it. And without FAIL Spun pulled in tail (and one time he pulled in cack but he was SHOOO drunk and it was by accident and he went thru with it anyway cause he didnt want to hurt anyones pheelings)...ANYWAY..Spun and I would stay at which ever local chicks pad and get some copulating done, then a nice bed, a shower, and some breakfast before we hit the road again. Lyfe was shuper shick, it didn't even seem like we had anything to wurry about. Somewhere around Ohio we get a golden opportunity when Spun steals a Mercedes from this one chick (and also happened to steal her beer, jiz on her pillow, and shit on her bathroom floor!) We hightail it out of there and drive all day and decide to roll into the tiny town of Jasper, Missouri. Its a dumpy little town and only one bar is in the whole town, this place called Double Deuce. So we check it out...
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This place was so nutsac brahmigos!! Cowboys and rednecks EVERYWHERE boozin and being rowdy while a whole bunch of skanks cruised around offering sex to anyone! On stage is this blind guitar player shredding like 99 Babar behind a wire cage as beer bottles are thrown at him every 10 seconds! SHICK!!! We go to the bar and get a drink, brahseph next to me turns and says "Aint from around here huh BOY!" and spits in the beer just as I get it. I look him up and down, then to Spun. "I'll be RIGHT back. Do not, under ANY circumstances, go ANYWHERE...brah." I grab Spun and we hit the bathroom. Some dude is in there swingin drugs, turns out he is also an employee, and we say we want one of everything hes got. Hes got some yay, some pills, some K, some deemz, some mescalin, and some meth. "ALL OF IT, what? can you not hear or something??" Spun yells at the dude who blankly stares at us when he hears our request. "Uhh yeah yeah yeah, sure here". We hand him the cash. Then I notice something. "Hey man, is that a Widespread T shirt??" "Oh yeah theys my favorite band and..". Before he could even say 'Spreadhead' i punched him in the face, then broke both of his legs with a 2X4. Then knocked his ass out and rolled him over.
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We dump all the dr00gs onto this tools back, crush them all up, and spell out "WSP SUCKS DICK YOU FAT FUCKING LOSER, KYS" with all the drugs and then slap high five and blast the entire thing. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!! I grab a loose beer bottle and kick open the Mens room door. Every single person in the place turns to me. I hurl the bottle towards the bar at lightning speed and nail that douchebag in the face knockin him out and shattering glass everywhere. "BAAAARRRRR FFIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!!!" screams some random dude as he smashes a chair on some other random dude. Everyone just started fighting...so me and Spun joined in. I ran down to the dance floor and beat every dudes ass, and Spun hit the bar throwing out every person after he laid their chump asses to the FLO'!!! ARRRR!!! I grabbed a bat and knocked every mother fucker out minus the employees and the owner. Only men standing at the end were me and Spun. The owner came to us and thanked us. He said times were hard at the Double Deuce and yadda yadda...we ended up becoming the bouncers and fired like everyone, hired a bunch of new people...yadda yadda yadda...we find out the whole town is being scammed by this rich mean dude who runs the town and wants us dead...yadda yadda yadda...we kill every mother fucker who works for him and in the process I start banging this nurse chick with small titties who kinda looks like a dude with a blonde wig ...yadda yadda yadda...we save the town and kill the main dude and we are heroes...NOT A BIG DEAL...so we get the F outta Jasper, MO after that weeklong adventure cause we gots a show to hit...HOUSE OF BLUES in BOSTON BATCHESSS!!! to the review...
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So we roll up to the Bean day of the show. We keep a low pro and hit up Lansdowne street for some much needed beers. We ditch the mercedes behind Fenway and get over to a local bar and start shwillin. Spun seems to know EVERYONE. See Spun went to college here and this was his favorite bar. there was this guy Norm, and Frasier, Cliff, and Woody...and this bitch Carla. Seemed like everyone was getting boozed for free too..at least we were! I got shoooo shwilled out I ran to bathroom to yack.
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After a solid vomiting I was washing up when someone walked in and screamed "WHAT YOU DO IN HERE THIS WOMENS ROOM!!!" I turned mortified and then looked her over..."Resrey?? Is that you" i said. "AboveTheDave?!! It is you! I rong for your touch! Gimme your snake NOW!" I dragged her ass to the stall and dropped trou. Resrey hopped on and, scouts brahonor, it was the best sex I have evah had...in a bathroom. A womens room. We made sweet fucking love in there. "Your snake soo rong atd, feers so right on my critoris!!! AHHHHHHH" she belted out, "Damn you ATD, I think I rove you!!" "I love you too Resrey" I said...and i fucking meant it. I mean...she sucked my dick while i took a shit after we banged..i don't know anything about anything...but i think they call that love holmes. Spun comes in mid-blumpkin :::Record scratch:::
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"dude...ohh...DUDE?! SHOW IS STARTING LETS GO!!!" me and Spun and Resrey run into the new House of Blues. I run into Pierre, Andrea, and Julia as set begins. We rage Brownie up front. Pierre begins the boof train and I take caboose (last mang). We all take two pressies to the ass. Then Pierre turns to me "Yo buddy, check this out!" and he proceededs to take a unopened PRB tallboy out of his hoodie, places it on the ground, pulls down his LRG jeans (custom) and SITS on the beer can, he then slowly rises back up, cracks open the beer (which is in his ass, dont ask) and bends face down and chugs the beer rectally til he KILLS it, and then sits down really fast crushing the can on the ground. "I call it BIFFING!...(no homo)" I stood there speechless...then ASTRONAUT begins!! TITTIESSSSS!!! Then CYCLONE! BAM! BASIS! BOOM! ABRAXAS! SLAM! I puff some deemz up close. Securrity was nada at this show. We raged wit da shickness. I busted out my organic trance dub-step by step full house family matters techno progressive breakbeat stereo mcs cece peniston haddaway dance moves that lit up the HOB and made Resrey bust her asian pear all over my leg. DING! Set ends with a tasty 42. worrrrrd.
Set Deuce: The heat. This place was jumping after Orchard Lounge. We went up the mezz and dropped some L, dipped some prints, and smoked some dies crossbreed northern afghan kush. Spun comes over to me, "Yo...so i met this chick...and...well...The Game aint working on her. Shes impossible to get with! I have met my match mang!" "Damn dude..what are you gonna do? Just get some otha ho" i said. "Oh no...no no no...shes my type, shes my style, but shes heard it all...im gonna have to approach this one differently. Shes my Queen. Shes the Queen of the World...thats her tour name." "Damn dude, sounds high maintenance...well good luck on that duder. I'll be here second set" He took off looking for his queen. I raged second set with my crew. Memphis > RLH > GANSTER > Basis left me in tears. It was incredible. then before encore some old dude in a suit comes with me with some security dudes. "Are you AboveTheDalton?" he asked. "ummm..its Dave and...yo listen..it wasnt me...it was Spun, dude fucking made me come with him..." i pleaded. "What? no..listen..I am the manager here at the House of Blues. We heard you and your friend Spun really cleaned up that Double Deuce place and well...we got a situation that our bouncers can't seem to solve. You should come outside and see this". Me and Resrey followed them down to the front.
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Outside was a total effin bloodbath. Cops dead. Security guards totally burned and on fire and scorched. The ones who were still alive were screaming bloody hell as they were escorted to the ambulances. All the cop cars were burnt to a crisp. It looked like a scene out of a movie. "What the FUCK happened out here brahs??" "There was this..machine..this ROBOT..it came out of the sky...and it..torched the entire street. It was just GIGANTIC!!!" said one of the cops. "but...Where is it now?" I asked. "I think its gone. It flew back up to the clouds. But...well...theres something you should see...you..you are AboveTheDave right?" he asked. "Yeah" i said. "Then you are the one who should take a look at this". We walked down the street and hit a cross street and in huge letters of FIRE in the middle of the street said:
KYS ABOVETHEDAVE
- RAGEMASTER 5000
I stood there more speechless then when Pierre biffed the beer can. What...WHO was this and WHY were they after ME? Was it the cops, did i not kill Manino and hes back from the dead? No..I put a bullet in his head. Cant be. This wasn't a man. this was ...a machine...this was...RAGEMASTER 5000??? WTF???
TO BE CONTINUED at The Klein in Bridgeport...
w00t,
ATD
02/28/09 House of Blues, Boston, MA
Set I: Uber Glue, Astronaut> Cyclone> Basis For A Day1> Abraxas> Astronaut, Digital Buddha
Set II: Shelby Rose> The City> Shelby Rose, Above The Waves2> M.E.M.P.H.I.S.> Run Like Hell> Gangster> Basis For A Day1
Encore: Basis For A Day1> Aceetobee
1 completes 2/27 version
2 dyslexic completion of 2/27 version
Commentary: This one is for all the Roadhouse fans. I was watching it for 452nd time and thought it should get some love.
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